For Everything There is a Season
What do you call a person who feels the pressure to do everything people ask them to? Is that a people pleaser? I have to consciously awaken myself to fact that I do just that. Like a thoughtless robot...must...do...what...that...person...wants...me...to. Even when I do clue in to the realization that I have to say "no", I feel the guilt and shame of "letting them down". My mind, body and soul just cannot keep up with the demands of others...even my own. I want to do EVERYTHING! I want to teach 20 subjects to the kids, master the kitchen creations, learn to sew, read stacks of books, start new ministries, renew my relationship with my piano, visit long lost friends, and paint till the cows come home. Then, when I've done all of that, I have priority lists number 2, 3 and 4 to begin!
Sometimes it feels like my head will explode with the speed at which it is thinking, dreaming, planning and wondering what will actually take place. Then some sweet person, with wonderful intentions and dreams of their own, asks me to join them on a new adventure. I stand stunned in their presence, trying to take in this new dream...cramming it in between my own. I can almost hear these sweet dreams fighting over position in my brain. Some dreams get squashed by bigger ones and some get kicked out completely. All waiting for me to actually put one into action. Little do any of them know that the probability of their becoming a reality is slim to none. There is this big monster, a dream quencher called reality that blocks the way...for now.
There are stages of life that we go through that are more or less conducive to these high and good intentions. When you are in the middle of raising children, there truly isn't much time nor energy to do much else. Unless, of course, you don't mind sacrificing some of their training for other things. I just cannot justify using very much of those precious, fleeting, golden moments for anything else. I don't mean making money for them to have more stuff, or killing myself trying to give them every extra curricular activity under the sun either, I mean my presence and their training. I am convinced that kids want, more than anything, to just be with you. Yes...more than a wii...more than clothes...more than ice cream...they want me. Strange, but true. I'm amazed every day at the love that my children have for their father and me...warts and all. It's mind boggling.
I made myself put down my garden basket last night in order to play badminton with one of my boys. My mind was worrying that those beans would be too big if I picked them tomorrow...but my boy would be too big to love this way if I put off playing today. We had such a great time, laughing at each other and improving our game...my reaction time has significantly decreased over the years...too bad my weight hasn't. When we were done, he just cuddled up beside me until bedtime, recalling his best moves of our game and my best misses. Unforgettable, really. It is nice though, that the older the kids get, the more able they are to join us in some of the hobbies and adventures we have tucked away during those diaper and nursing years...and we join them in theirs.
There are many forces in the world that want my kids' hearts. They want to mold them, teach them and prepare them for other, less virtuous purposes than that of a Christian. I used to be a "pie in the sky", "everyone means well" kind of person, but not anymore. I am not unaware of the Devil's schemes and as long as it depends on me, He cannot have my kids. So, it just seems logical that WE train them in every way possible. I know that if something happened to either or both of my husband or me, God is greater than circumstance and He would take care of them, but as long as we are here, we will not hand them over to another teacher...so that we can pursue other dreams. God willing, there will be plenty of time for that once the kids have a different addresses than ours.
For now, I am smack dab in the middle of a busy, time consuming and privileged job...and happy to be here. The other big dreams and ideas that are trying to crowd out this not so impressive or glamorous intention, are going to have to take a number, find a magazine and sit in the waiting room. I'm busy playing badminton with the most important souls in the world :)
Sometimes it feels like my head will explode with the speed at which it is thinking, dreaming, planning and wondering what will actually take place. Then some sweet person, with wonderful intentions and dreams of their own, asks me to join them on a new adventure. I stand stunned in their presence, trying to take in this new dream...cramming it in between my own. I can almost hear these sweet dreams fighting over position in my brain. Some dreams get squashed by bigger ones and some get kicked out completely. All waiting for me to actually put one into action. Little do any of them know that the probability of their becoming a reality is slim to none. There is this big monster, a dream quencher called reality that blocks the way...for now.
There are stages of life that we go through that are more or less conducive to these high and good intentions. When you are in the middle of raising children, there truly isn't much time nor energy to do much else. Unless, of course, you don't mind sacrificing some of their training for other things. I just cannot justify using very much of those precious, fleeting, golden moments for anything else. I don't mean making money for them to have more stuff, or killing myself trying to give them every extra curricular activity under the sun either, I mean my presence and their training. I am convinced that kids want, more than anything, to just be with you. Yes...more than a wii...more than clothes...more than ice cream...they want me. Strange, but true. I'm amazed every day at the love that my children have for their father and me...warts and all. It's mind boggling.
I made myself put down my garden basket last night in order to play badminton with one of my boys. My mind was worrying that those beans would be too big if I picked them tomorrow...but my boy would be too big to love this way if I put off playing today. We had such a great time, laughing at each other and improving our game...my reaction time has significantly decreased over the years...too bad my weight hasn't. When we were done, he just cuddled up beside me until bedtime, recalling his best moves of our game and my best misses. Unforgettable, really. It is nice though, that the older the kids get, the more able they are to join us in some of the hobbies and adventures we have tucked away during those diaper and nursing years...and we join them in theirs.
There are many forces in the world that want my kids' hearts. They want to mold them, teach them and prepare them for other, less virtuous purposes than that of a Christian. I used to be a "pie in the sky", "everyone means well" kind of person, but not anymore. I am not unaware of the Devil's schemes and as long as it depends on me, He cannot have my kids. So, it just seems logical that WE train them in every way possible. I know that if something happened to either or both of my husband or me, God is greater than circumstance and He would take care of them, but as long as we are here, we will not hand them over to another teacher...so that we can pursue other dreams. God willing, there will be plenty of time for that once the kids have a different addresses than ours.
For now, I am smack dab in the middle of a busy, time consuming and privileged job...and happy to be here. The other big dreams and ideas that are trying to crowd out this not so impressive or glamorous intention, are going to have to take a number, find a magazine and sit in the waiting room. I'm busy playing badminton with the most important souls in the world :)
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